Senator Marco Rubio was apparently high last night.
Yes, there was another Republican response to the State of the Union. And it was, yet again, a disaster.
After watching the President address Congress for more than an hour without taking a water break, the nation learned Tuesday night that Marco Rubio can’t give a five-minute speech without awkwardly lunging off camera to wet his lips.
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Most in the Republican Party cringed at the moment, muttering to themselves, “Oh no, not again.”
And right away, the media jumped on the often-repeated meme that the Republican response to the State of the Union is a curse against any politician who offers it.
But I’m here to tell you that, in fact, there’s a very real explanation – rooted in science – for why Republicans can’t seem to get a State of the Union response right. It’s highly likely it’s because the politicians the Republican Party chooses each year to give the Republicans’ response to the State of the Union are all using a drug known as ibogaine.
Ibogaine is a psychoactive drug extracted from the iboga plant that induces wild hallucinations. In 1972, noted Doctor of Journalism Hunter S. Thompson was on the campaign trail reporting on the race for the Democratic nomination for President for Rolling Stone magazine when he suggested that one of the candidates, Edmund Muskie, was acting erratically because he was using ibogaine.
Thompson described the drug as “an exotic brand of speed … [that] nobody in the press corps had ever heard of.” He added, “It is entirely conceivable—given the known effects of ibogaine—that Muskie’s brain was almost paralyzed by hallucinations…He looked out at that crowd and saw Gila monsters instead of people . . . his mind snapped completely when he felt something large and apparently vicious clawing at his legs.”
Thompson claimed he was “simply reporting on rumors” he heard on the campaign trail regarding Muskie and the ibogaine addiction. (He later admitted that he was also the one who started those rumors.)
And, in the great tradition of the late Hunter S. Thompson, I think it’s entirely possible the Republican Party is full of ibogaine users.
How else can you explain their behavior?
Remember Bobby Jindal – the Republican picked to respond to President Obama’s State of the Union in 2009? Go back and watch the tape, watch Jindal’s eyes and inflection, and you tell me that guy isn’t on ibogaine.
And then there was Michelle Bachmann giving the “Tea Party” response in 2011. Was she really just “looking at the wrong camera?” Or, was she distracted by a pack of Gila monsters clawing toward her just off camera?
Heck, Michele Bachmann looked to be on so much ibogaine after the 2010 midterm elections that Chris Matthews had to ask her if she was “hypnotized.”
“No, Chris, I’m not hypnotized. I just feel like I’m talking to a giant squid in a suit.”
But, here’s where everything really falls into place.
One well known side effect of ibogaine use is “dry mouth.”
Check out Paul Ryan, during the vice-presidential debate; he took a water break 22 different times. What’s behind the sudden onset of dry mouth you ask? Ibogaine, obviously.
And then there’s what happened last night. Remember all the sweat dripping from Marco Rubio’s brow? Well, you’d be drenched in sweaty fear, too, if the camera was slowly morphing into a blood-thirsty spider. Between that and the dry mouth, Rubio couldn’t take it anymore and had to dive off camera.
So, yet, another Republican politician, another bout of dry mouth, and another erratic response to the State of the Union.
And don’t forget about Rand Paul’s “Tea Party” response last night. If anyone doubts that Rand is addicted to ibogaine like the rest of his Party, I have two words for you: Aqua Buddha.
I know the drug warriors out there are calling for the Republican Party to drug-test their future State of the Union responders, just like they want to drug-test welfare recipients. But, instead, we should be doing the compassionate thing. We should realize that Republicans don’t live in a “reality-based” or “fact-based” world because of ibogane. And we need to expand Obamacare to cover treatment programs for Senators, so these helpless Republicans can stop embarrassing themselves on national TV.
So, don’t worry, Republicans. All those crazy things – people riding dinosaurs cause the world is only 6000 years old, global warming being a hoax, John Boehner looking like a giant carrot wearing a suit – all those things are just the result of your ibogaine use. Even the really crazy things, like Reaganomics, transvaginal probes, and Wayne LaPierre, will go away when you get some help for your medical condition.
We’re here for you, working to help you with your problem. Colorado and Washington state have already thrown you a lifeline, legislating a much less destructive alternative, that might even put you in touch with mother Earth and help you see the errors of your ways. And there’s always the Ibogaine Anonymous group that meets on Thursdays in the basement of the Reagan Republican building just down the street from the Capitol.
As President Obama said so many times, there IS hope! So don’t give into those Gila monsters chewing on your legs – they’re no more real than the Welfare Queen Reagan hallucinated or the illegal voters you’re working so hard to stop. Chill out and get some help…