If we listened to Wayne LaPierre and the NRA and the rest of the gun nuts on the far right about how to make our schools safer from gun violence, and actually passed legislation they’ve supported, then the typical school day would look something like this…
To begin with, all those yellow “Gun-Free School Zone” signs are taken down. They’re replaced with yellow signs that read, “Gun-Friendly School.” This simple change immediately alerts would-be suicidal maniacs that this is their place.
With the NRA’s School Shield program fully-implemented, school children will walk on to campus past rows of armed security guards. At first, the big men in body armor with powerful semi-automatic assault rifles might be frightening to kindergarteners and first and second graders. But eventually the kids will get used to the Bushmaster-toting sentinels, understanding that this posse of guards is the first line of defense keeping them safe while they learn their A,B,C’s.
In the case of Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s armed posse, a few members actually have criminal backgrounds so they’ll have extra keen insight into how the criminal mind works and how to stop potential mass shooters.
Inside the school, faculty with glocks on their belts rush kids along to first period before the morning bell rings. First-graders don’t want to be late to first-period, as a new law requires them to take gun training classes. Their teacher, also armed with a gun, passes out custom made, tiny shooters to all the kids. They learn how to load the gun, how to aim, how to shoot for the kill zone.
They have to do this. Because just in case a bad guy with a gun takes out the security guards, then the armed faculty, then the armed teachers, it’ll be up to the classroom of seven-year-old good guys with guns to take him out.
As you can see, the NRA has masterfully put in place layers and layers of security at the school.
Then second period math class begins. Mr. Griswald was up late the night before grading papers and arguing with his wife about their personal finances. He’s also dealing with impotence issues. But at school, he feels much more masculine with a long six-shooter in his pocket. He gives his students their lesson plan, but endless chatter in the back of the classroom distracts him. So, he pulls his gun out of his pocket and calmly sets it on the desk. The students get the point, and immediately quiet down.
But they all feel safe knowing that Mr. Griswald is their guardian angel for the next 45 minutes.
In between second and third period, news spreads that Biology teacher Mr. Duncan accidently shot himself through the palm of his hand. He was using the butt of his pistol to try to kill a cockroach when the gun went off. He’ll be ok though, these sorts of accidents happen all the time.
During lunch time, little Zack and Phillip get into a shoving match over a game of four-square. School Administrators rush to the scene with their guns drawn just in case. When Zack and Phillip realize they’re surrounded with weapons pointed at them, they back away from each other slowly. The disturbance is resolved and the school is once again safe.
Unfortunately, at the school library there was another incident. Two high school seniors get into a scuffle over a cheerleader. Being 18-years-old and, thus, legally allowed to carry their own handguns on campus, one of the students pulls out his gun to “stand his ground” and protect himself from a punch to the head.
He fires wildly around the library. The other student returns fire. They’re both hit by bullets. So, too, are three innocent bystanders. Luckily, no one is killed, but the ambulances have to take five kids to the hospital. But, hey, all those medical bills help increase the GDP.
But just imagine how much worse it would be if these kids weren’t armed and another Adam Lanza walked into that library?
During fifth period, 5-year-old kindergartner Billy takes a bathroom break. He’s not old enough for the gun safety training class in first grade, so when he sees a gun on the bathroom sink left behind by one of the school’s security guards, he immediately picks it up and plays with it.
It looks just like his NRA-sponsored AR-15-shaped tin lunchbox that he brings to school every morning. He waves it around, points it has his face, and squeezes the trigger. He didn’t realize the gun was loaded and already cocked.
In response to the tragedy, the NRA and the school work together on a solution to prevent this from happening again. They decide the best thing to do is start gun training classes at a younger age so that kindergartners can get involved, too.
By seventh period, the schoolchildren are eager to go home. The gun-toting teachers and faculty have frayed nerves and are ready for a break, too. It’s American history class, but students can’t watch any films on the Civil War, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, or even World War 2. The NRA and school officials have deemed these films to be too violent and could potentially trigger violent attitudes in class. Also, all images of violence have been removed from the textbooks – it’s necessary to keep the kids safe.
Finally, the bell rings and everybody rushes out of the school, past the armed guards and into the welcoming arms of their armed parents. It was another safe day at school as not a single madman was able to carry out a mass murder.
When 3rd grader Jimmy gets of the school bus, he rushes into his mother’s arms. She asks him what happened at school today.
He tells her about Mr. Duncan’s wounded hand, the five people shot in the library, and what happened to poor little Billy in the boy’s bathroom.
She hugs her son tight, knowing that he’s safe. The NRA and the school’s cache of guns did their job, keeping mass shooters at bay for the day. And isn’t that what’s most important?