A Peek Inside Sarah Palin’s Diary

Dear Diary:

It’s been helter-skelter around here these days. Actually, there is no “here.” I’m on the road every day, mostly at book signings for “Going Rogue.” Turns out I’m real popular in the real America. You betcha.

Lots of liberal commentators are assuming I wrote the book to make money. They’re right: If I’m lucky enough to get my 15 minutes of fame, you’re darn tootin’ that my family and I are gonna cash in now on all that celebrity. But there’s also an assumption that I wrote the book to lay the political groundwork for a 2012 presidential run by visiting bookstores in key electoral states. What would make them think that? Ha, ha.

Those stupid liberals, they keep calling me unqualified and making fun of those genuine Americans who support what I’m saying and doing. Those leftist pundits don’t seem to get the point (thank goodness!).

The way to political victory in America today is not necessarily based on truth and reason, but on which candidate can generate the most excitement and get voters to the polls. It’s the show-biz, stupid. Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama and their people certainly knew that. Get the buzzwords down, ratchet up the hope and passion, and you’re halfway home.

Connecting With the Folks

The leftist press and nutcase bloggers come down on me because I don’t know the details of public policy or international relations or read highfalutin newspapers and journals. Neither did George W., and he exercised total power for eight years! And he gave the liberals a good beating while he was at it! Politics is connecting with the common folks, and I do that better than anyone I can think of, at least on the Republican side.

The more the liberals make fun of me and my supporters – treating us like little more than trailer trash – the stronger my movement grows. The liberal Democrats are seen as elite snobs, looking down their noses at us, while we know we have God on our side and a growing resentment at being ignored and humiliated.

Those kinds of feelings generate red-hot political passion – and that means millions and millions of my voters will donate money to my campaign and go to the polls in 2012. Somewhere I heard that a third of Democrats already have decided they’re going to stay home on Election Day, because they are so disappointed in their party leaders, including their socialist-gasbag hero Obama.

The best things he has going for him are his skills reading a teleprompter, and his wife and cute daughters. I’ll cut him to ribbons, just like I did Joe Biden. I can throw Obama into a tizzy early in a debate by asking why he doesn’t show us his original birth certificate instead of just a summary copy. Then I go into a full-court press, connect on a few easy lay-up zingers, and keep him off his stride. Easy.

The Electoral Seesaw

So if Obama even gets renominated by the Demoncrat Party, he’ll be fighting with one arm tied behind his back, since he will have lost a good share of his base. Maybe by that time the percentage may be much higher than a third deserting him, especially if the economy doesn’t recover enough and millions and millions remain unemployed, if health care reform doesn’t work, and if the war in Afghanistan continues to go south. (Why don’t we just nuke those Islam suckers and get it over with? Don’t we want to WIN?)

Since polls in the liberal-elitist states and big cities indicate pretty much the same thing about me and my negatives – that is, that at least a third of voters won’t vote for me under any circumstances – we’d both go into the campaign with pretty much of a wash, which puts me on an equal plane with the president. You can’t buy that kind of respectability.

And why should I bow to the wishes of the liberal commentators, who keep urging me to “do my “homework” and “study up on the issues,” etc.? I don’t want to use my time that way. I can always appoint departmental secretaries and my advisers to read up on the issues. I want to meet with the people, stir ’em up, make them part of my army, my onward-Christian-soldiers army, fighting for their faith, their liberty, their right to be taken seriously for a change.

Running for the Lord

I can ride that sense of humiliation and victimhood at least to the Republican nomination – and maybe even beyond to the White House. If God wants me to walk into the Oval Office, that’s where I will go, in the service of The Lord. God doesn’t care whether I know the intricacies of treaties and foreign policy and domestic lawmaking and carbon emissions. God doesn’t care if I don’t read The New York Times and Washington Post or surf the blogs. All God wants to know is if my heart is pure and my faith strong.

I figure, given the kinds of people who are supporting me – sweet, innocent lambs, following me to the promised land – that I can ride God all the way into the Oval Office.

And those who try to stop me will learn who they’re really dealing with. With God as my co-pilot, I can smite with the best of them. I won’t put up with any kind of maltreatment. This babe – this Babe for the Lord – can mix it up.

The Coming Attacks

Getting to the presidency isn’t going to be easy. The media, blogs and Demoncrats will go after me, my husband, my children, our lifestyle, our occasional missteps, and all the inconsequential misspokens I’ve made. (Todd is going to have to be prepared on his transgressions, and he and I will have to spin our Alaska secession stuff and the whole illegitimate-baby thing.) But that just makes me more attractive to my followers – and to those who will come over to our cause from the Independents, conservative Republicans, faith-based Democrats and so on.

The more the liberal pundits and bloggers attack and wound me, the more the Jesus story redounds in my favor. Don’t get me wrong, diary, I’m not comparing myself to The Lord. I’m just sayin’.

My folks will eat it up.

So my running puts the Demoncrats in a helluva bind, excuse my French. If they attack me the way they want to – with me “bleeding,” so to speak, as a result of all the abuse – I become more victimized, more sympathetic, and more people come to my aid. If the liberals decide to ignore me, I get a free shot at the presidency. Either way, they lose and I gain. Is this a great country or what?

Bernard Weiner, a poet/playwright and Ph.D. in government and international relations, has peeked inside the diaries of everyone from Karl Rove to Osama bin Laden to Dick Cheney to George W. Bush. He has taught at universities in California and Washington, worked as a writer/editor for the San Francisco Chronicle for two decades, and currently serves as co-editor of The Crisis Papers. To comment: email [email protected].

(First published 12/22/09 by The Crisis Papers.)