I Just Can’t Even: The ’16 GOP Field

Senator Ted Cruz speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference. During a symbolic filibuster against the Affordable Care Act in 2013, Cruz compared the act to the titular meal in Dr. Suess's Green Eggs and Ham - while completely misunderstanding the moral of the book.Sen. Ted Cruz speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference. During a “symbolic filibuster” against the Affordable Care Act in 2013, Cruz compared the act to the titular meal in Dr. Suess’s Green Eggs and Ham – while completely misunderstanding the moral of the book. (Photo: Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com)

I just can’t even. Seriously, you guys, have mercy on this simple scribe. There was talk over the last year about the Republican Party throwing some kind of rope around the fractious foolishness at its core and wrestling it to the dust for the sake of themselves and the rest of us. Nope, and I have to pass through two Novembers before I can stop writing about it.

You may not have heard it here first, but hear it now: the 2016 GOP primary season is going to be a mind-killing bloodbath of legendary proportions, primarily because almost everyone involved so far has no business being in a national conversation about the tallest seat in the land, and there is still space on the clown bus waiting to be filled.

Take Dr. Ben Carson, for example. The man used to be Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital, and that ain’t peanuts. Johns Hopkins, as far as health care and education goes, is the pride of the United States … and yet the man compared the Affordable Care Act to slavery, homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality, and said, “9/11 is an isolated incident. Things that are isolated issues as opposed to things that fundamentally change the United States of America and shift power from the people to the government. That is a huge shift. You have to take a long-term look at something that fundamentally changes the power structure of America.”

That’s right, folks. Obamacare is worse than a terrorist attack that had people throwing themselves out of windows to their deaths so they could evade being incinerated, and yeah, the government didn’t give itself basically infinite powers after the attack or anything. This guy used to work on brains? He should have done some work on his own.

Oh, and there’s my buddy Ted Cruz, who tried to shut down the federal government by comprehensively misunderstanding the moral of “Green Eggs and Ham,” which my toddler daughter gets without being able to speak English yet. This self-proclaimed “wacko bird” has also taken a number of fruitless yet expensive attack runs on the ACA, believes gay marriage turns Christianity into a “hate crime” and so must be forbidden, and made a little girl in New Hampshire cry by barking “Your world is on fire!” at her during a campaign event. That’s some tall leadership caliber right there. Thanks, Texas.

Recently, Lindsey Graham, Republican of South Carolina, officially joined the fray … and my brain slithered out of my ear, climbed a tree, and refused to come down until someone convinced it that this was all just a bad joke. Gadzooks, the man told the Attorney General at an official hearing that everyone needs an AR-15 because the dams might be released. He is Benghazi Conspiracist #1, and he is just wild about a war with Iran. The mind simply reels … when it isn’t gnawing on acorns in despair.

Mike Huckabee? I mean, come on, now. This has to be a prank. Here is another one who espouses that The Gay is coming for his testicles and his soul and so must be stopped, because Jesus or something. He thinks women want birth control because they can’t control their libidos. He told people Ebola was going to enter the United States via Mexico (it actually took a very polite plane ride from overseas, as it turns out). His racist dog-whistles regarding President Obama, Kenya and Islam can be heard from deep space. If Mike Huckabee was elected dog-catcher, I’d buy a goldfish and nail my doors shut.

It goes on. Chris Christie thinks he has a prayer, Jeb Bush thinks the family name isn’t a brand with the cachet of goat droppings, and Rick Perry is still dumber than a small bag of dull rocks. Scott Walker looks ready to jump in; he thinks women who get pregnant from rape only worry about it “in the initial months,” and he’s considered a serious contender. Rubio. Rand. Fiorina. Pataki. I’d mention Santorum … but God have mercy, it’s just too easy.

Vermont Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has proposed that the old way of doing debates be junked, and that all the candidates get together to thrash it all out. Democrats and Republicans wouldn’t be divided. I like the idea – it would separate the wheat from the chaff with dispatch, and be a boon to campaign finance reformers by clearing the field – but oh my word, I want to see all these boneheads in a room together trying to act like they can spell “cat” after getting spotted the “c” and the “t.”

The janitorial staff will be hosing the stupid off the walls for months. Bring it on.