No Gays Allowed

Finally! Our state legislatures are getting down to governing the way our Constitution meant for us to be governed…using Biblical and Christian beliefs.

In Arizona, a law was passed stating that “any individual, association, partnership, corporation, church, religious assembly, or institution, estate, trust, foundation or other legal entity” may refuse service to a gaycouple if “it would be contrary to their sincerely held religious beliefs.”

Not to worry, all you religious zealots in Oklahoma, the same bill is working its way through the legislature here as well, so soon you’ll be able to kick thos ehomosexuals out of your restaurants, hotels, grocery stores, bars, taxi cabs, school buses, even classrooms, anywhere where they dare to show up and offend your deeply held religious beliefs.

I’m hoping this legislation opens the door to a government based wholly on Biblical teachings. If so, we can finally shut women up and get them out the classroom and back in the kitchen where they belong:

I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. (1 Tim. 2:12)

Need a little extra money? It’s only a matter of time until we can make a few extra bucks by selling our daughters into slavery:

If a man sells his daughter as a female slave, she is not to go free as the male slaves do. (1 Tim. 2:12)

And speaking of slavery, who needs Jim Crow laws and private prisons when you can cite the Bible as your authority to overturn the 13th Amendment:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, in singleness of heart, as you obey Christ; not only while being watched, and in order to please them, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. (Eph. 6:5-6)

But be careful when you’re beating your slaves to death, make sure they live a day or two before they die, don’t want to go against your deeply held religious beliefs:

When a slave owner strikes a male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies immediately, the owner shall be punished. But if the slave survives a day or two, there is no punishment; for the slave is the owner’s property. (Exod. 21:20-21)

And finally, all of you persecuted cannibals out there? This is your time! You can finally come out of the closet and enjoy the Biblical fruits of your labor:

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters; and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend, in the siege and in the distress, wherewith their enemies, and they that seek their life, shall distress them. (Jer. 19:9)

This could go on for days, but I think you get my point. This is what I hope: I hope the homophobic bigots outthere will take pause from their sick jihad against anything they don’t understand, think about the ridiculousness of their actions, and instead, have an open-minded conversation with a gay or lesbian couple. Don’t argue about bigotry and “sexual abomination”, talk about love, life, dreams, loss, joy, pain, ambitions, sports, art, music, the weather, anything at all. If you do that, you’ll find that inside, in the heart, where it really matters, we are all very much alike. And maybe then, we can come together to solve the real issues that face humankind. Amen.