A great deal of time and energy has been spent over the last 16 months trying to figure out who and what Donald Trump really is. Is he a savior? A megalomaniac bent on world domination? A Clinton plant to guarantee Hillary’s election? A Manchurian Candidate in the employ of Vladimir Putin? Or is he just an asshole with a bank roll and a flair for the preposterously dramatic?
A better question than “Who” is “How.” How did this man and the phenomenon surrounding him come to be? What are the elements of his inception? The recipe below will serve as a handy guide for how to create Trump Stew (American Style). IMPORTANT NOTE: This recipe and many of its ingredients are highly toxic to humans and all living things. Please proceed with absolute caution. Gloves and goggles recommended, breathing mask a must.
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8 cans Ronald Reagan brand broth
5 cups campaign finance deregulation
8 cans financial industry deregulation
2 lbs. tax breaks for wealthy
6 cups media consolidation
2 lbs. fundamentalist Christianity, Falwell/Robertson brand (cubed, not browned)
4 finely diced education priorities
25 gallons of war (x2)
5 lbs. cuts of social services
1 crate bullets
1 crate guns
10 cans oil
5 cups fear
5 cups hate
5 cups rage
5 cups misogyny
5 stalks pure White Supremacy brand cane sugar (unrefined)
1 orange Trump
Cook Time: 35 years on low heat, slowly increasing the temperature over time. Best prepared in a used oil barrel over an open fire.
1. Begin by greasing your oil barrel with the first of your 25 years of war (the second 25 will be included later in the process). This will add the necessary elements of Vietnam, our defeat there, the Cold War, bottomless military spending, economic recession, paranoia, hate and racism, which will serve to bring out more fulsomely the flavors to come. Spread your misogyny in a fine layer over the entire barrel. You will know you have the right kind if it smells like bitter dregs on contact.
2. Build your fire to low heat and add eight cans of Ronald Reagan brand broth. Let simmer for eight years, slowly adding your financial industry deregulation. Add two cans of oil at this point so you will know your true flavor priorities, and to give the surface of the stew a petroleum shine. Begin to add the cuts to social services, continue throughout.
3. About five years into the process, add all two lbs. of fundamentalist Christianity, Falwell/Robertson brand. The meat must be finely cubed to exacting proportions; different shapes are unacceptable and must be rejected. DO NOT BROWN. Add more hate and fear to taste.
4. IMPORTANT: At this point, it is necessary to ladle out the Reagan stock and let it trickle down into the stew. First, add your tax breaks for the wealthy. Over time, and in combination with your financial industry deregulation, military spending, social services cuts and tax breaks, a layer of fat will form at the top. This will harden over the next several years, allowing the stew below to get progressively hotter during the process.
5. Add your five tablespoons of media consolidation slowly, in combination with your finely diced education priorities. These two ingredients complement each other nicely, as diced education makes it easier for a media seeking control and manipulation to really spice up the stew. At this point, also add your campaign finance deregulation. This will serve to firm up the fat at the top, and allow your other ingredients to spread throughout your “congress of flavors.”
6. Are you remembering to let the Reagan stock trickle down? Good! Don’t let up, even when it stops making any sense.
7. It’s time to add your second 25 years of war. This is a vital ingredient; it will bring to the fore more flavors of hate, fear and racism, along with more military spending, economic recession, cuts to social services, media consolidation, tax breaks for the wealthy, campaign finance deregulation and the savory apocalyptic tang of religious fundamentalism. Add your guns and bullets now, making sure they are spread thoroughly throughout. You’ll never get rid of those!
8. Add all five sticks of pure White Supremacy cane sugar. This will serve to make the flavors of hate, fear, racism, religious fundamentalism and misogyny really jump out.
9. Throughout this entire process, you will let everything simmer for 35 years as you add the ingredients in their proper time and place. Slowly add to the fire until it reaches a high blaze. Make sure you have plenty of wood! You’ll be at this for a while.
10. Just as the stew appears ready to boil over, add one orange Trump. The Trump must be dropped into the barrel from a specific height; it must embed itself in the layer of fat at the top without breaking through to touch the stew beneath. Allow it to leach into itself all of the ingredients until it is engorged. It will then begin to “trickle down” its own special taste, the “final flavor” if you will. CAUTION: Contents highly explosive at this point. Proceed with extreme caution.
Serving Size: One drop
Nutritional Value: Zero
Serves 300 million
Next week’s recipe: War Brisket! A meal that will convince anyone who eats it that killing everything we see in order to make rich people richer is fun and healthy! (NOTE: War Brisket is neither fun nor healthy; keep out of reach of children.)