Are you holy enough to be a Republican? We’ve developed a checklist to simplify the process of finding out. Check each of the following items with which you agree. By tallying the checks and using the guide at the end of the essay, you will find out if you qualify.
You are holy enough if …
☐ You believe that writing “Happy Holiday” on a Christmas card is outrageous blasphemy.
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☐ You think the song, I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas, clearly refers to the fact that Santa is White.
☐ You believe that the Christmas holiday has no roots in ancient Rome, and that it is unrelated to Paganism or the Winter Solstice.
☐ You believe that Santa Claus (who is white – and is an actual person – not a historical fiction) is a fundamentalist Christian who loves Jesus, who also was DEFINITELY white.
☐ You are also certain that God speaks only in English, and is a religious fanatic like you are.
☐ You hate immigrants because they do not speak English, which is God’s language.
☐ You hate homosexuals.
☐ Your preacher of choice when it comes to homosexuality is the redneck biblical scholar, Phil Robertson.
☐ You believe Phil Robertson when he said that homosexuality is a form of bestiality.
☐ You admire Phil Robertson’s unkempt beard (like Charlton Heston who played Moses, clearly influenced by the painting of God on the ceiling of the Vatican who is obviously a white male also with a long white beard.)
☐ You agree with the logic of Phil Robertson that vaginal sex is better than anal sex but you need further guidance about how that invalidates lesbian sex.
☐ You are pro-life but you are pro a lot of things: You are also pro state-electrocutions, -lethal injections, -hangings, -shootings, -endless wars, -assassinations, or children accidentally-or-on-purpose killing other children with semiautomatic weapons.
☐ You believe that any abortion is murder even if the baby consists of a microscopic ball of slime.
☐ You are against abortion even in the case of rape, incest, or when the mother would die from giving birth.
☐ You believe that women who get abortions and doctors who perform them deserve to be electrocuted, injected with poison, hanged, shot, tortured and then assassinated before being condemned to burn in hell for eternity.
☐ You believe science is a Marxist/Socialist conspiracy.
☐ You believe that all the science you need to learn is in a book called the bible that was written 6000 years ago when there was no science.
☐ You believe that evolution was the theory of a demented man named Charles Darwin.
☐ You believe that Global Warming is the will of God.
☐ You believe that fracking is good for the environment.
☐ You believe that putting more carbon dioxide in the air is a good thing.
☐ You hate Pope Francis.
☐ You believe that every time the new Pope endorses peace he actually is endorsing Satan who certainly is NOT white, does NOT speak English, and is probably a Moslem.
☐ The pope hurts your feelings by espousing tolerance of beliefs that are different from yours.
☐ You believe that the Founding Fathers were Christians.
☐ You believe that their intention was to found a country whose bedrock would be religion.
☐ You say “Praise the Lord” every chance you get.
☐ You believe that when the Lord said, “Turn the other cheek,” he had to be joking. ☐ You believe that Jesus did not preach anything about any eyes of any needles and rich people – What Jesus actually meant was that the poor had as much chance of getting to heaven as a camel.
Thank you for taking the time to use our form. To be holy enough to be a Republican you would had to have checked EVERY SINGLE BOX. And since Republicans call anyone who disagrees with them Marxists,Socialists, or Progressives, maybe you should think about becoming one.
Copyright 2014 James and Jean Anton.