Everyone expects to see and hear some strange stuff whenever Halloween comes around. The costumes, the parties, the old ghost stories that always make the rounds and that ever-present breed of individual who takes the season a little too seriously and decides they’ll actually try to be a vampire for a night. ‘Tis the season. The definition of “strange,” however, tends to get bent into all sorts of bizarre new shapes whenever the GOP gets into the game, and several of that party’s members have apparently decided to make this Halloween something truly special for the rest of us.
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Take, for example, Mr. Roland Corning, former Republican state representative and current assistant attorney general for South Carolina. Back on Monday, a police officer spotted Mr. Corning’s SUV parked at Elmwood Cemetery. The officer took special notice of the car, because that cemetery was a known spot for picnics of a carnal nature, and went in to investigate. When the officer approached, Mr. Corning sped away, and the officer gave chase.
When Corning was finally pulled over several blocks away by a second officer, they found him with an 18-year old stripper from the Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club, a bag of sex toys and a dose of Viagra. Corning and the stripper gave differing explanations for their presence in the cemetery, and when asked about the bag of sex toys he had with him, Corning replied that he always kept those with him, “just in case.”
Wait, it gets better.
Corning, being in the AG’s office, carries a badge, and flashed it at the officer in the hope that it would inspire some gold-shield camaraderie and lubricate his release. Unfortunately for Mr. Corning, the officer called the AG’s office to confirm that Corning actually worked there … and got Corning’s wife Megan on the phone, who also works for the AG. Corning’s wife sent the report up the bureaucratic food chain like an Atlas rocket, and before long, his employment at the AG’s office was terminated. One has to assume, given his wife’s reaction, that his marriage is likewise soon to go the way of the dodo.
Hang on, there’s more.
Mr. Corning, during his time as a Republican state representative, was a known holy man and ardent supporter of all that is family values in South Carolina. He once proposed legislation making it mandatory for women on welfare to be given sub-dermal contraceptives. Obviously, for this member of the GOP tribe, fleeing the police, sex toys and strippers are as much a part of good, clean living as eugenics.
While this fiasco was indeed a noble attempt, try as he might, Mr. Corning is never going to take the Top Fool spot away from the reigning champion of idiotic GOP debacles, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Palin, who garnered 25 percent of a recent CNN poll on who Republicans prefer as their 2012 nominee, has been riding the rails to push her new book and, it is to be assumed, a potential presidential run next time around. That plan may be in jeopardy, however, especially if her former-kinda-whatever son-in-law and father of her grandson, Levi Johnston, has anything to say about it.
Levi, who appears all too happy to keep bringing up tidbits of Palin’s past with reporters, told CBS News the other day that he had something “huge” on the former governor, and would be more than willing to divulge it before a battery of cameras if she messes with him. He accused Palin of calling her son Trig, who has Down Syndrome, “retarded.”
As for any further revelations, Johnston would only say, “I have things that can, you know, that would get her in trouble, and could hurt her. Will hurt her. But I’m not gonna go that far. You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s – I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far.” Palin released a statement blasting Johnston and CBS for the report, to which Johntson replied, “If she’s going to go out there and say things to me, about me, I’m going to leak some things on her. I mean that’s just how it is.”
We can only hope. Happy hilarious Halloween.