A Message to France from the President of Hope and Freedom

Dear France:

Please accept this New Year’s Greeting, along with my sincerest condolences for your suffering since those deplorable terrorist atrocities last week. Everyone here in The Homeland understands what it means to be scarred by synchronized attacks in your largest city and government seat. Even though you didn’t have to deal with anthrax, and even though there was no evidence that your own government tweaked the attacks, we Americans will cast no blame if you devote the coming decades to spasms of hypocrisy and self-destruction.

In retrospect, I’m sorry, that I didn’t come to see you personally in your hour of need. I’m also sorry that I didn’t send Joe, but…. honestly I don’t trust him. And let’s face it, who needs Kerry?

So I sent Eric to be in Paris on the day of your big march. But as he hasn’t done anything significant since I first appointed him, Eric figured “Why start now?”

Anyway, what can we Americans say to you?

Okay, we’re sorry about the way that Dick Cheney and Vice President Bush stirred the hornet’s nest? But we’re not about to come crawling back to you Frogs after you failed to back our invasion of Iraq. The fact is that you weren’t an accomplice to our Mission Accomplished. And at least since 2003, no one in America has cared about an authentically free press.

Indispensably Yours,

Barry, Jr.